New Revised Catechlysm (ePub)

The New Revised Catechlysm, like the Baltimore Catechism before it, is all about the vital task of caring for your immortal soul. Whether you were born with one, downloaded one from SoulDepot.com, or picked up a used one on Ebay, this transparent, gelatinous organ located above the hip joint on your right side is of paramount importance in every truly successful human life.

So once you've got a soul-what next? How to train it? What to feed it? When to keep it heavily sedated and when to chain it up like a junkyard dog? This is where The New Revised Catechylsm provides solid information, in much the same way that its predecessor has always provided so many thrills and unexpected panic attacks for generations of young and old alike. The answers are all here.

Want to know why God made you, so you have a snappy comeback when family members question your value as a human being? We've got you covered. Want to know why the Holy Ghost appears so often as a dove, and is never very happy about it? Check. How about getting the inside story on how all those New Testament clothes draped so beautifully on Jesus and his peers? Well, okay, we'd like to know that secret, too, and we're working on it.

In this book you will learn what happens when you die and your body decomposes like a Sarah Palin speech under scrutiny. You will find practical hints about the best neighborhoods in Heaven and how to land the celestial mansion of your dreams that would have all your neighbors green with envy-if envy were not strictly outlawed in Heaven. Using easy-to-follow, unbelievably rigid memorization techniques, The New Revised Catechlysm carefully explains how to avoid mortal sins like lust, anger, jealousy, and even idolatry, without having to actually die or slip into a coma.

This book is timeless-it never seems to end-and a genuine treasure trove for those whose treasure is laid up not in a storage locker near a highway frontage road, but in Heaven, where HDTV and iPods cannot corrupt it. Because we were too lazy to do anything else, it is organized in the classic, unimaginative tri-partite form found in the old catechism:

First, an insightful, line-by-line analysis of the Apostles' Creed, conveniently condensed into the Speed Creed (or Credo Speedo, in Latin).

Second, a survey of the Ten Commandments that includes a Wine Spectator rating (81 points: "Solid advice but somewhat lacking in nuance"), and that highlights the great value of the durable stone tablet format, which eliminates the need for an extended warranty.

And third, a frolic through the joys of the seven sacraments, those rituals that over the centuries have provided spin-off ceremonies beloved in their own right, such as pre-nuptial agreements and the Hokey-Pokey.

The New Revised Catechlysm is a book you will cherish for your lifetime. Or least until another James Patterson or Robert Ludlum doorstop is released.