Dammit Bre! (ePub)

My life was forever changed the moment that pregnancy test was slammed down in front of me.

That was the day I became a father. Every day afterward has been a challenge. But it's all been worth it.

In this collection of comedic, truthful, and sometimes tear-jerking anecdotes, I write about the struggles of head lice, the first unscheduled haircut, followed immediately by the first scheduled haircut, excessive demands of ice cream, and so much more. Whether it's unique methods of managing unruly hair, or the uncanny lengths a father will go in order to protect his little girl, these stories do not disappoint.

I wrote this book with the parent in mind. I know how limited time can be. For that reason, each story is self-contained and takes a few minutes to read. It's perfect for those few moments when you're able to hide in the pantry, or find yourself on the toilet without an audience. You'll have more than enough time to enjoy at least one story before the kids start beating down the door.

This humorous parenting book is unlike any other. Get your copy of Dammit Bre! today. Maybe it'll provide some much needed insight the next time your kids declare war on your sanity!

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The Literal Half-Assed Job

Bre's room was trashed once again. The last time it was clean was the result of me getting pissed and cleaning it myself. I told her it was the last time and I wasn't doing it again.

The trouble is, when her room is clean, she'll do everything within her power to keep it clean.

That doesn't seem so bad, but let me explain what that means. But first I have to explain what it doesn't mean.

It doesn't mean that she's going to pick up after herself, or put things away when she's done with them. No, what it means is she's going to gather whatever it is that she wants to play with and drag it into the rest of the house.

Once there, she'll play with it for a while and then proceed to abandon it wherever her location of choice is. It means that when her room is clean, the rest of the house is trashed. And then like clockwork, when I demand that she take all her crap back to her room, she throws it in the floor just inside the door where it accumulates until her room is once again trashed. But hey, the rest of the house can stay somewhat presentable.

My youngest sister has the most pull with my daughter. I'm not entirely sure why. Bre dreads disappointing her.

She was at the house those couple weeks prior to Christmas and told Bre that she'd better have her room clean before Christmas.

Bre got all excited and ran into her room. Though the excitement didn't last long. She was caught playing with something within minutes of disappearing.

My sister made her a deal. She told her if she cleaned half her room before she left, she'd get a surprise.

Bre was in agreement and she closed the door and went to work.

It was getting late and my sister needed to head home. We opened the door and peered inside. To our surprise the room was half-clean. Only not in the manner you'd expect.

Bre had picked up every last piece of discarded paper, every tiny accessory to her Monster High toys, every random string or lost bead from the nightmarish bead maker kits she'd received in the past. And where else would it be?

She piled everything on the other half of the room.

A toothy smile blazon across her face, she beamed up. "Do I get my surprise now?"

These are the tales of a single father but they aren't limited to single parents. Dammit Bre! contains tips and tricks for dealing with your children, regardless of situation. Each story takes only a few short minutes to read, making it the perfect companion when you're sipping a juice box in the pantry while hiding from the kids.